Most guys who end up in the “Friend Zone” tend to accept the frame of being a “friend.” This is counter-productive to actually getting the girl they like see them as something other than that. Once a girl takes control of the interaction, and you go along with her frame of mind, you are essentially allowing her to define how she sees you.
Instead, you need to define yourself, and have her accept how YOU see HER, not the other way around. If you see her as a potential lover, then she has to make a decision as to whether or not she wants to accept that role. And if you play your cards right, she will!
So a vital step in escaping the Friend Zone is refusing to accept the role of just being her “friend.”
Now, this doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly, or chummy, with the girl. But you never want to allow any aspect of your sexuality to be taken out of the equation. The reason is because it’s your sexuality that is going to help you generate attraction with the girl.
Once a guy accepts the role of a friend, all sexuality is taken out of the equation. You essentially become “neutered,” or sexless, in the eyes of the girl. You’re basically a living Ken Doll – you may look like a man, but you got none of the “parts” that make up one!
You don’t want this. You ALWAYS want SEXUALITY to be present in your interactions with women (especially if they’re “just friends!”)
This is due to the simple fact that SEXUAL TENSION is 100% necessary for attraction to occur. If you do not have sexual tension in a relationship, there is no hope of transitioning to a romantic interaction.
We talk more about this in the Member’s Area where we discuss how to build attraction with women, but to give you an idea, it’s a lack of sexual tension between men and women that encourages girls to place guys into the “Friend Zone.” This is why guys who hide their true intentions when meeting a girl often end up getting stuck as “just her friend.” They remove all sexual tension from the equation, and end up being nothing more than her “friend” is the result.
So if you do not accept the friend role, you will give yourself the room you need to create the sexual tension that’s necessary to attract the girl you like.
THIS is where the real “courtship” aspect of getting the girl you desire comes into play. You can create sexual tension with your “friend” and force her to start accepting that aspect into your relationship. Once you’re able to nurture this tension, she’ll start looking at you in an entirely different light – as a potential lover!
So how does one create the sexual tension that’s necessary?
Well, first of all, I want you to dismiss any notion that by introducing sexuality into your interactions with women (particularly your “friend”) you run the risk of offending them. Some guys might feel guilty or nervous about being at all sexual with girls they like. Regardless of what you feel, you won’t offend anybody if you do this correctly. It is a limiting belief that women get offended at sexuality, which has been instilled in us by bad movies or TV shows, or maybe forced upon us by our own shyness or insecurities.
Secondly, don’t think you’ll come off as a “chauvinist pig” or are demeaning the girl by being sexual with her. Girls like sex too! They enjoy being seduced as much as us men do. As long as you are not extremely aggressive or crude with your attempts at creating sexual tension, they will enjoy it.
Which brings me to a third important point – DO NOT BE CRUDE! Creating sexual tension isn’t about talking to a girl like she’s a whore or a porn star or something. Some guys have absolutely zero tact when it comes to being sexual with women, and they’ll start using foul language and sexually graphic terms when talking to them. This is WRONG, and it will only serve to drive the girl away from you as opposed to attracting her to you.
There is a RIGHT way to be sexual with women, and a WRONG way.
WRONG WAY: Be crude, foul-mouthed, extremely aggressive, overbearing.
RIGHT WAY: Be fun, flirty, funny, casual, light-hearted, non-serious.
You always want to be flirting with your female friend. Proper flirting (which we discuss in-depth in our Member’s Area) is the key to creating sexual tension and attraction. When you flirt with a girl, you are communicating your interest in her on a sexual level, but doing so in a fun way that is not crude and will not turn her off. You can think of “flirting” as “playfulness” or “innuendo.” It’s something that’s enjoyable by both men and women, and is completely non-threatening.
So what might some examples of flirting with your female “friend” be?
Well, you can give her a silly nick-name with sexual connotations, like “Scrumptious.” Just tell her something like “God, you’re so cute! I could just eat you up! From now on, I’m gonna call you Scrumptious, ‘cause you just so dang tasty! Ha ha.”
Another way you can flirt with her is to start sexualizing her whenever you can. Greet her with “Hey sexy.” Or “What up, good-looking?” When you text her, say “Hi gorgeous!” or “What’s happening, beautiful?” These are all examples of being flirty with a girl by letting her know you think she’s attractive, but you’re doing it in a safe, light-hearted way. You’re not saying “I think you’re soooo beautiful,” or “God, you’re so sexy! Will you date me?” No, you’re having fun with it, making it a nick-name or a whimsical reference. But at the same time, she’s gonna realize you like her in a romantic manner, and she’ll have to come to terms with that, which is EXACTLY what we want.
When you call her up to talk to her on the phone, in a lull in the conversation, say seductively “So… what are you wearing?” as if you’re going to have phone sex with her, then laugh about it. If she tells you she’s wearing something completely unsexy, act like it’s really turning you on. Tell her to put on another sweater, a frumpier one, preferably with some type of holiday animal knitted into it. Think of unsexy things she could wear or do, but act like you’re totally into it. I call this “reverse phone sex.” You’re essentially acting like you’re having phone sex with her, but it’s funny and fun, and non-threatening. However, it communicates all the right intentions. Sometimes, she might even surprise you by actually GETTING sexy with you! And when this happens, you know you’re doing the right thing.
Another flirty thing you can do to break out of the “friend” roll is what I call “reverse rolls.” This is where you pretend she’s the one who’s secretly in love with YOU, but you just like her as nothing more than a friend. This type of roll reversal is very powerful, because it changes the dynamic of your relationship and puts her in the frame of mind of being the one who wants to be more than just friends.
You can do this by joking about how she’s secretly in love with you and how you’ll never give into her feminine wiles. When she teases you about something, say things like: “Oh my God, stop flirting with me! I know you’re secretly in love with me, but come on, you’re just embarrassing yourself. I’ll never fall for your lame attempts to seduce me. Never!”
If she jokes with you about something, tell her “Gosh, stop your shameless flirting with me! How many times do I have to tell you, I’m not going to sleep with you!” If she offers you a drink, say something like “Are you just trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me?”
This kind of playful banter is fun and will send out all the right signals, helping to keep you out of the “friend” frame. But don’t overdo it! If you continually move things in a sexual direction it will stop being fun and cute and could become uncomfortable. Keep it light and fun, never serious. Joke with her like you would any friend, but throw in a bit of sexuality every once in a while.
Being sexual and flirty does a number of things in your favor. It helps to keep you from being cemented completely in the “friend zone.” After all, what type of friend flirts like that? Answer: none. It also communicates your interest in her in a very indirect way – which is good! If you come out and tell her how you really feel about her before she’s become attracted to you, that’s relationship suicide – it will keep you stuck in the Friend Zone for good. But if you keep it ambiguous, like “is he joking or isn’t he?” you create intrigue, and let her know you want to be with her romantically without damaging your chances.
If you can consistently create sexual tension around the girl you like, eventually, she will find herself playing along, and that is when she’ll start seeing you as something more than just a friend. The next time you jokingly say “So, what are you wearing?” on the phone, she may start to go along with it and before you know it, you’re both have an innocent session of phone sex! Then, she might start to wonder what the real thing is like…
But be sure you incorporate this type of flirting and sexual tension early on in your relationship with the girl! A sudden change to this type of treatment will seem odd and set off alarm bells if you’ve known each other a long time and have established sets of behavior. If a girl has just “befriended” you, start this as soon as possible. If you’ve been friends for a while, slowly incorporate this type of flirting into your interactions, until you can easily do it overtly without coming off as weird to your female friend who’s used to the “good old you.”
No matter what, simply refuse to accept the role she has labeled you with. If you refuse to just be “a friend,” she’ll be forced to figure out what you REALLY are. And when that happens, you can help her define that role, and choose the one you want – a boyfriend.